Where do I start, Where do I begin?

I was watching a documentary on SBS the other day, titled "Dead Tired" -- which basically asked the question, "Is lack of sleep killing you?"

It showed some of the experiments that were conducted -- some of the worst accidents that were caused as a result of sleep deprivation. The brain of a car driver shutting down for a few seconds, employees unable to analyse basic information due to a lack of sleep... Doctors and surgeons leading to deaths or injuries of patients because they worked 24hr shifts! 

"Shifts"... We are so used to conducting business 24 hours a day now, aren't we?

Like that Citi Bank slogan -- "The City Never Sleeps..."

Global economy, nation's economy, city's economy... personal accounts.

So, we have invented the kind of lives we have. In the sense, we work, we party, we earn, we compete, etc. etc. It's a man-made lifestyle, evolved as part of our societal structure. We have 'shares' and 'bank accounts' -- pieces of paper that have monetary value.

Can you imagine the tree that the paper must have originally come from? I wonder if that tree would have now felt honoured to have seen one thin sheet of its bark become a valuable asset for humanity -- or would it have laughed at the sheer stupidity of the idea?

"Really? They made a million from my left arm? Haha... really? Wow, I have 6, how rich am I?"

So we have this 'system' within which we operate. We are 'educated' -- not like the animals and trees. We have fulltime jobs, we make money, we enjoy our lives by travelling the world in planes and ships, drinking lots and lots of alcohol to celebrate 'special days' annually... We have our TV, our books, our cars, apartments with swimming pools and gyms... Gyms with treadmills - static machines on which we run...

As I am writing this I am actually laughing at the stupidity of this life. 

But the worst part is, none of us like it...?

We all hate the fact that we work overtime, we have to struggle to make ever cent we earn, and then when we go to spend it, it just disappears in no time. We have been cheated by one and other, robbed in bright day light -- and 'legally' robbed!

We sign pieces of paper to legally handover or gift our possessions to friends and families... And one day a friend becomes an enemy -- and we hate the 'so-called friend'. We argue. We are all such unique snowflakes and so, we argue. Constantly. 

We are scared. Scared that our economy is collapsing -- scared that we may be laid-off, we may lose our jobs.... Scared we may not be able to cope and maintain the 'standard of living' we currently have.... 

The car, the celebrations, the apartment, gym, swimming pool - it might all disappear if I lose just this one thing.... my job... Or, digging deeper - money.

We created the structure and we are suffering...?

And sure, you'd read this and go "hmm... We SHOULD change" -- but how? Who will accompany you? A revolution all alone? As David Bohm once said, 'It's like throwing a pebble in the ocean.' Hardly a ripple will get created.

Then what? You join that silly Zeitgeist movement? It's a good idea (as far as I understood it) -- but really, do we need the blind leading the blind again? 

How many 'revolutions' has mankind been through.. And what has ever changed? Have things gotten better? Don't think about economy -- think about 'you'... Have things gotten better for you and me?

All working like dogs. Overstuffing our brain with information, new softwares, new theories.... And for what? To remain competitive. To remain king. And eventually a day will come when someone much younger than me will throw me off my throne of power and success and achievements... And I will be shattered. 

I, as powerful and strong as an Elephant, lost an arm-wrestling match to an ant...?

Sunday morning I'm waking up...

Can't even focus on my coffee cup...

Don't even know whose bed I'm in...

Where do I start, where do I begin?

Super Chor!

Johnny Walker walkin walkin,

Old Monk is talkin talkin,

Get your blackboard chalkin chalkin

You're talkin, you're walkin.

I just love that part in this song called "Superchor" from Oye Lucky, Lucky Oye... The "rap" bits in that song are just so funny... "Ghar vich click click khel'da compootar"

Which basically means "staying home playing computer games" -- but see how dull it sounds in English!! The guy makes it sound so much cooler (and funnier) in Punjabi.

I spent a few months being a regular at my gym... I have this playlist on my MP3 player titled "Bhaag Sushi, Bhaag" - which is an Indian take on "Run Forest, Run". Superchor is one of the tracks on that list, and one of my favourites actually. 

It was all good, I was quite dedicated for a few months, and then I quit...

Technically, none of us are "gym-regulars". We all quit at some point in time, right? And then we get back to it. Then quit again. A gym-regular would be someone who stuck to it from the first day s/he started, right? I mean, that is a routine, you stick to it. Like the Australian Postal service -- no matter rain or storm, we will deliver. 

Or we could turn this around. We never 'quit' since we always come back to it?

But I can't keep up with it I think. I am putting on a bit of weight I guess -- see, now that idea itself makes me want to just go and run at the gym right now. That's the problem... 'targets'...

I have been playing indoor football/soccer (Americans and English can both be happy) on Fridays in this 'social sports league'. And I prefer that - I prefer the team sports workout I think. Why? Targets! You have an objective, a sense of purpose. You want to score a goal, make an assist, win - win - win! 

Like the Dean of my college used to say when playing doubles badminton, asking his partner to 'smash' it - "Kill! Kill!!" 

If I am running on a treadmill or even out in nature, I don't seem to have a big target I guess... I mean, sure, 'lose 2 kilos' or something if you want... but, it's not like a visible immediate target. I think that's the problem. No sense of purpose in it...

But all the Buddhas would laugh at me. They'd laugh at the fact that I am so stuck up in my mind of targets and goals and purpose that I apply to a simple a thing as running...

That's why I have always seen running and swimming as very spiritual workouts. It has great potential -- I guess, only if one knew how to tap into it. See, sometimes I just run because I can't help it. I will be walking to the bus-stop -- and I have lots of time left... but suddenly I'll start running. Might be listening to some song and walking just doesn't do it for me anymore. So run. And I am very conscious about how weird it looks that a young man, dressed in smart casuals, going to give a lecture, is running...? 

So I have to make it look like I am running to catch my bus...? I have to make it look like there is some purpose behind my running...

How stupid is that? 

And I see the stupidity of it. But my mind is so caught up in an 'external view' of my being. We have all been raised based on external views -- not internal insights. Every concept of 'self-esteem' and Maslow's hierarchy and Deepak Chopra's self-empowerment and all that jazz, it derives from the opinions and perceptions of others. Self-esteem has nothing to do with how you feel about yourself. It's about how you see other people see you, and accordingly feel about yourself... Or, it's about how other people say you should feel about yourself...

"Look at all that you have achieved man -- you should feel great about yourself!"

"Yeah, you are right, I have achieved a lot. Thanks!"

But what's the point, yeah? If you buy what I am saying here, you are basically believing in someone else's definition of how you should feel about yourself... See the trap?

Oh the tragedy of this life... The loop of stupidity...

That's why, we never really 'quit' see -- it always loops back in...

(Insert Title Here)

It’s interesting with this sketch(?) -- I just drew it now after K was yelling at me again. One master says celebrate and the other says, "WTF? You want me to say the same thing over and over again?"

It’s interesting with this sketch that when I tried to save it on the PC I figured I’d just title it "?"... But that’s not a recognised or ‘acceptable’ file name. I then tried "." – again, not acceptable... 

Interesting how the computer, a man-made machine, does not accept a question mark or a full stop in its absolute form as an identity for a file.

Of course, this "sketch" has no title. And not like 'untitled' which is the default name Microsoft gives to every single file. It just doesn’t have a title, it isn’t complete and perhaps never will be.

From Madman to Momentary Buddha...

Recently I got back in touch with an old friend from college, who has sort of given me an outsider's perspective on college-sushi. That is, how people perceived me back then... yes, you know who you are, Flower-Mother of Jesus -- also the name of a popular herb (oh! Did I just pull a Da Vinci code on everyone?)

Back in college I had named myself "madman"... And it caught on easy in that immediate circle of... associates. It's easy when you pick a nickname that is generally not seen as a compliment. It's like a double-edged sword - it is good for the ego of others because they see someone going mad as a downgrade from their stance, so they are superior. As for the madman... well, has there ever been a madman that thought the majority was sane? How often do you see it in Hindi films when the society confronts the madman who says, "Mein pagal!? Tum sub pagal ho!!!", as he runs away dancing... until one person from the crowd finally breaks the silence saying, "fuck it... he's mad..." and everyone goes back to the normal routine.

But, yes, madman worked well for my ego (although that was never the objective). And it served its purpose also -- most people kept their distance, I had the freedom to be moody and, on most days, I could do anything I wished. And the circle of friends with their little enhancements of problems... Not talking to him, not talking to her, he ditched us, she owes me, he pushed me first, she was suffocating me...

How could one not laugh? And to be able laugh and not upset them-- being a madman was good. 

When I look back, I know where the name came from. It started when I was in India, visiting an old man who owned an "Osho-library"... Indeed, with over a hundred books, many of which then got translated, the guy could fit into one library... or rather, a library could only fit him alone.

I noticed a book he had written, Notes of a madman, and I just fell in love with the title. About a month later I realised that the word "madman" was likely inspired by Gibran's Madman, which I have so frequently referenced on this blog.

Then there was the very first story in Gibran's book on "How I became a madman". Click on that to read the whole story. But the line that stuck was this,

"And I have found both freedom and safety in my madness; the freedom of loneliness and the safety from being understood, for those who understand us enslave something in us."

Thus, I too became a madman.

I didn't want much to do with people. I wanted to focus on myself. I wanted to wakeup myself -- so I became a madman... I wanted no distractions.

But here's the catch, and Kahlil tried to warn me within that story itself... But, I had to experience it for myself. "Madman" became a title. It was originally an attempt to drop the ego. It was an attempt to not leave room for any expectations people would otherwise have of me. What do you expect from a madman? 

But we do expect something from a madman... We expect madness. 

Gibran ends that chapter with, "But let me not be too proud of my safety. Even a Thief in a jail is safe from another thief."

Madman became just a shift... from one container to another. I shifted into a new place, a new prison, from "he's such a nice person" to "oh, he's just a complete asshole" -- but I still remained. My ego only changed its appearance... had a shower, put on some new clothes. 

But... It's been a good run. And it's been a good life...

Been?

I meant, it's being a good life.

Goodbye to my dear friend, the madman...

What's this? New identity?

Dammit!

Buddha's Birthday

They're celebrating Buddha's birthday today... Apparently also the day he became enlightened some 40 years after his birth...

Or it was 9th of this month.

Who's counting this stuff? Was there a man back then who told his son, and he then to his son, "look boy, I don't care what you do with your life -- but make sure you remember the 9th full moon of the year we celebrate the birth of Gautam Buddha."

They say the full moon is quite spiritual though. Apparently most people who got enlightened, got enlightened during a full moon night. Ever since I learnt that I became so in love with the moon... And once you fall in love with the moon you immediately fall in love with the sun that reflects on it. Then the sun is a star, so you then love all his cousins. And before you know it, you're humping the universe.

OK, I couldn't resist! 

I meant falling in 'love' with those surroundings.

And see, Australia is good that way. I can see the moon and the stars at night. Dubai - I could barely see a few. Even the Gods seem to be doing favours in Dubai.

I've aligned my bed with my room window. And I sleep with my curtain rolled up at night. On a full moon night, it's just the most beautiful thing. In fact, it happened only a few days ago -- and it was probably on GB's birthday... The moon is in that perfect alignment with my bedroom window-view recently -- I think it's stay in that range for a little over a month. 

But, basically, I wokeup in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. I was half asleep, but by the time I got back to bed I was quarter asleep. And my room was just lit. And it was such a beautiful soft and cool white light - but yet so bright. And I slept right under it. And I looked up at the sky from my window -- partly cloudy night... And the universe was there, just between two clouds. 

... And for a few seconds... I died.

Or rather, for those few seconds, the universe was born.

But then sleep snuck in and that's when everything went off.

The problem now is that I sleep every night starring at the sky, hoping for the exact same taste... But nothing. 

This is all because of an audio-book I've been hearing lately... The secret of the golden flower. It's over now, and I guess I now 'know' the secrets of Tao. But knowing and realising is so different. One is about applying given principles to life, and the other is about living in a way that principles are formed.

Buddha died some 2,500 years ago... All we have now, are 'principles'...

Our life is constantly an attempt to re-live the past... Old days at school, old TV shows, back when I was 4, "back in my good days"... For the average Buddhist monk it might be to become just like Gautam... and for me it seems to be trying to taste that full-moon night once again.

And oh the stupidity of this life --- Tao rhymes with now...

ps- I've disabled comments for this post, so, don't spend time seeking.

Resuming Realisation...

So, I think I'm back to this...

How long has it been? Much over a year since my last post... Wow... Doesn't feel that long.

I remember this moment, I was in sixth grade and I think I was almost halfway through it. We may have had some guest over, and we had gone to "Sind Punjab" in Bur Dubai. I remember standing outside eating all the chaat and ice-creams, and telling my sister "You know, time is moving really fast now. Like, I can't believe 6th grade is halfway through. All the years before this were soooo slow."

I wasn't the best student back then... In fact, if one were to look into my learning years (which continue till today), I was a "terrible student" (as defined by our modern education system - which I don't really agree with) until junior school. From 7th grade onwards, however, there was a slight change. I attributed this 'improvement' to the fact that from 7th grade onwards I had different teachers for different subjects. If I was bad in one subject, my 'image' is only ruined in the eyes of that one teacher. I may, however, be great at another subject - where the teacher would, therefore, appreciate my being. But I finished my IGCSE with crappy grades as well. Then came my Bachelors, the phase where I chose where I want to specialise. Marketing, business... I can't believe they needed four years to teach me that stuff. Then my Masters, which was actually "learning" something new... Related, but new... I knew nothing about the sport management industry before I did my masters. 

And now, the PhD -- and everything becomes clear. The whole system has become clear. 

That moment in 6th grade, when I said to my sister that time is suddenly flying by... it never stopped from there on. Time, never slowed down from there on...

The reason was simple -- before 6th grade, the concept of 'time', was learnt and understood by me, but it was only realised around 6th grade. I understood what people meant when they saw a clock and said "quarter past 4" -- but I 'realised' the existence of time only around 6th grade... And this wasn't a conscious realisation, it was to happen eventually, it's all part of the system...

I had a neighbour's kid who, until a few years back, only understood time on the basis of "how many sleeps left"... So, his mother would tell him "27 sleeps to your birthday" and he would understand that he has to sleep 27 more times (at night) before he gets to celebrate this... birth-day? 

Sure, whatever, all he would know would be that this was a day that people gave him gifts.

But really, what is time? It's based on a few concepts from astronomy -- how long it takes for the Earth to do a 360, how long it takes for the moon to appear and disappear, how long it takes for our planet to dance around the fireball until it reaches back to where it started. Time has it's value,  of course. It allows the farmer to know when he should sow a seed and when he can expect the fruit. It lets the sailor know when he should sail and how the ocean may react. But that would have really been the main purpose of time -- we didn't need it for any other reason.

The concept of time was a 'guide'. It gave us an idea of what to expect. 

But, now that we had invented this concept we would inevitably become slaves to it. Now time is a deadline. In most cases we use time as something to keep up to. We're chasing time. A self-made concept, created only as a guide.

It's like if we went to France, paid a tour guide to take us around, and now we are running behind him to keep up... We're not really seeing the city anymore. We're too focused on where the guide is going.

THIS, is exactly what we are going through... Every single day...

That French tour guide, is time. And we have all become so focused on where it is headed that we are missing out on the purpose of this tour... life.

See the birds that fly from one region to another when the weather changes. See the whales that migrate from Australian waters to Antarctica and then back again later in the year. See the ground squirrel that hibernates during winter - breathing only about once every five minutes remaining in a deep sleep. All these animals have some idea of 'time'. Definitely not as detailed in terms of creating calendars and clocks (which we then modify for day-light savings?), but they know when time guides them to move to something else. 

As they notice the changes in things around them, they realise it is time to move to the next phase; to live. And then there is us... As the clock strikes two we go, "Fuck! I was supposed to hand this in half-n-hour ago, and I'm still not done!"

=)

Well, like I said -- I'm back here. Back to this blog, but most of all, back to the understanding of Tao... Now, let's try to realise it too...