From Madman to Momentary Buddha...

Recently I got back in touch with an old friend from college, who has sort of given me an outsider's perspective on college-sushi. That is, how people perceived me back then... yes, you know who you are, Flower-Mother of Jesus -- also the name of a popular herb (oh! Did I just pull a Da Vinci code on everyone?)

Back in college I had named myself "madman"... And it caught on easy in that immediate circle of... associates. It's easy when you pick a nickname that is generally not seen as a compliment. It's like a double-edged sword - it is good for the ego of others because they see someone going mad as a downgrade from their stance, so they are superior. As for the madman... well, has there ever been a madman that thought the majority was sane? How often do you see it in Hindi films when the society confronts the madman who says, "Mein pagal!? Tum sub pagal ho!!!", as he runs away dancing... until one person from the crowd finally breaks the silence saying, "fuck it... he's mad..." and everyone goes back to the normal routine.

But, yes, madman worked well for my ego (although that was never the objective). And it served its purpose also -- most people kept their distance, I had the freedom to be moody and, on most days, I could do anything I wished. And the circle of friends with their little enhancements of problems... Not talking to him, not talking to her, he ditched us, she owes me, he pushed me first, she was suffocating me...

How could one not laugh? And to be able laugh and not upset them-- being a madman was good. 

When I look back, I know where the name came from. It started when I was in India, visiting an old man who owned an "Osho-library"... Indeed, with over a hundred books, many of which then got translated, the guy could fit into one library... or rather, a library could only fit him alone.

I noticed a book he had written, Notes of a madman, and I just fell in love with the title. About a month later I realised that the word "madman" was likely inspired by Gibran's Madman, which I have so frequently referenced on this blog.

Then there was the very first story in Gibran's book on "How I became a madman". Click on that to read the whole story. But the line that stuck was this,

"And I have found both freedom and safety in my madness; the freedom of loneliness and the safety from being understood, for those who understand us enslave something in us."

Thus, I too became a madman.

I didn't want much to do with people. I wanted to focus on myself. I wanted to wakeup myself -- so I became a madman... I wanted no distractions.

But here's the catch, and Kahlil tried to warn me within that story itself... But, I had to experience it for myself. "Madman" became a title. It was originally an attempt to drop the ego. It was an attempt to not leave room for any expectations people would otherwise have of me. What do you expect from a madman? 

But we do expect something from a madman... We expect madness. 

Gibran ends that chapter with, "But let me not be too proud of my safety. Even a Thief in a jail is safe from another thief."

Madman became just a shift... from one container to another. I shifted into a new place, a new prison, from "he's such a nice person" to "oh, he's just a complete asshole" -- but I still remained. My ego only changed its appearance... had a shower, put on some new clothes. 

But... It's been a good run. And it's been a good life...

Been?

I meant, it's being a good life.

Goodbye to my dear friend, the madman...

What's this? New identity?

Dammit!