Da Vinci's Demons...

I think as time passes, I have started to feel quite alone. I do seem to have my friends and family around, all of whom love me and all that. They share their joys and their problems, and I perhaps do a bit of the same. But, for the last few years, I have started feeling a bit detached. It's got nothing to do with them; it's not like they have upset me or offended me. It's just that I have started losing a bit of interest in life and it's problems in general, I feel. I see the pointlessness in life; and, at the same time, I realise that pointlessness isn't necessarily a negative thing. The sun rises every morning with no real point; and yet, it seems beautiful every morning. It's a strange dilemma when you see that something is pointless, but don't really see the point in telling someone that "I think this is pointless."

I suppose, that's where the alone part comes in.

I am turning 31 this month. Of late, as I have been working on myself to stay in shape, I have noticed how much harder it has gotten. My body is kind of losing out on all it's natural goodness, so I need to feed it all the goodness it needs. And I knew it would gradually slow down; which is absolutely fine. But, I feel like my race has almost just started. My race to really become financially secure, to deliver consistently and constantly at work, to fight every other day.

I don't think I have had extremely unrealistic expectations from life; even though I know a lot of people who have known me have seen me as nothing more than a dazed dreamer. And I have been a dreamer, I know that too. But, of late, the helium in the balloons has been dying out.

See, I know I am no Socrates, but I have plenty of insights like he did about life. At times I have said to a few loved ones that my ideas are like balloons filled with helium. I float with them, dreaming away, but appreciate the anchor (practical perspectives) that my loved ones add, as it ensures I don't drift too high up in the air. The last thing a dreamer would want is to reach so high that the balloon eventually pops due to air pressure.

The balance worked for a few years, I suppose. But, off-late I float way too close to the ground it feels. Over the years, the helium has been leaking, but the anchors still weigh the same. I see life a lot closer now, and that's all I feel like I keep doing sometimes. Just observing life. And, it is pointless... not that pointlessness is supposed to be a negative thing...

"I'm the hero of this story -- and I don't need to be saved"
- Regina Spektor