Sunday, February 09, 2014

Da Vinci's Demons...

I think as time passes, I have started to feel quite alone. I do seem to have my friends and family around, all of whom love me and all that. They share their joys and their problems, and I perhaps do a bit of the same. But, for the last few years, I have started feeling a bit detached. It's got nothing to do with them; it's not like they have upset me or offended me. It's just that I have started losing a bit of interest in life and it's problems in general, I feel. I see the pointlessness in life; and, at the same time, I realise that pointlessness isn't necessarily a negative thing. The sun rises every morning with no real point; and yet, it seems beautiful every morning. It's a strange dilemma when you see that something is pointless, but don't really see the point in telling someone that "I think this is pointless."

I suppose, that's where the alone part comes in.

I am turning 31 this month. Of late, as I have been working on myself to stay in shape, I have noticed how much harder it has gotten. My body is kind of losing out on all it's natural goodness, so I need to feed it all the goodness it needs. And I knew it would gradually slow down; which is absolutely fine. But, I feel like my race has almost just started. My race to really become financially secure, to deliver consistently and constantly at work, to fight every other day.

I don't think I have had extremely unrealistic expectations from life; even though I know a lot of people who have known me have seen me as nothing more than a dazed dreamer. And I have been a dreamer, I know that too. But, of late, the helium in the balloons has been dying out.

See, I know I am no Socrates, but I have plenty of insights like he did about life. At times I have said to a few loved ones that my ideas are like balloons filled with helium. I float with them, dreaming away, but appreciate the anchor (practical perspectives) that my loved ones add, as it ensures I don't drift too high up in the air. The last thing a dreamer would want is to reach so high that the balloon eventually pops due to air pressure.

The balance worked for a few years, I suppose. But, off-late I float way too close to the ground it feels. Over the years, the helium has been leaking, but the anchors still weigh the same. I see life a lot closer now, and that's all I feel like I keep doing sometimes. Just observing life. And, it is pointless... not that pointlessness is supposed to be a negative thing...

"I'm the hero of this story -- and I don't need to be saved"
- Regina Spektor


Arpit said...

Sushi, I turned 38 this month, and about 5 years ago, I was in the same space - fed up with the materiality of things, wondering what lies beyond that, curious about the path I might take...Wrote about it at
5 years on, not much has changed -I am still weighed down by the social/material responsibilities, still wondering about what lies beyond etc. But know what my biggest lesson is -"Never let the helium in your balloons die out". That's what sustains you. So all these years have been creating more balloons, interesting shapes, colours, and they are what have kept me sane. At the right time, whenever it happens, I will fly with them.

Sushi said...

Thanks Arpit. Appreciate your comment =)